Spoilers dude.

TMNT review

Uuuuuggg. This movie, this movie actually had some potential, but in the end was just eight dollars down the drain. Here’s a list of the good and bad because I can’t even attempt a coherent set of paragraphs right now.

The good(ish):

  • The new origin story – It’s still a version of what every other TMNT series has down; mutagen, turtles, rat, sewers, etc. But where this one is different is that it pulls a bit of Amazing Spiderman to add little girl April and her dad to the mix. However, it stops short of being a really good origin with one completely moronic decision, which we’ll revisit in a minute.
  • Fights – I know they’re CG and all that jazz, but for the most part the fights were really well choreographed and action packed.
  • Humor – it wasn’t perfect but I wasn’t groaning at much of it (except for a fart joke near the beginning and the “flirting”)
  • Shredder – He had a cool robot suit.

The Bad:

  • Megan Fox – Megan Goddamn Fox. What was the point of casting her as April. She doesn’t look like April (they couldn’t even be bothered to add a little red to her hair), and watching her breathe heavily for the first four scenes didn’t distract me from that fact. Was she hired for sex appeal? I can’t say since the only times she did something “sexy” was the two seconds she spent on a trampoline at the beginning and when she leaned out a window so Vernon could stare at her ass. The rest of the time she was just making me wish I was somewhere else. Do a google image search for April O’Neil and I’m sure one of the cosplayers that pop up would have filled the roll better. Also, Megan’s April makes stupid decisions for a reporter, there’s like three scenes where she jumps out of the news van (a van filled with camera equipment mind you) and decides the only camera she needs is her damn phone. You know what she does right before jumping out of the van with only her phone? Complains about not being taken seriously as a journalist. I know sometimes reporters might have to use their phone, but they aren’t usually jumping out of news vans minutes before.
  • Irma – There is no Irma. “April” even has a roommate to yell news theories at and it’s just some random chick with two lines.
  • Tony Shalhoub – Monk, I love ya, but sensei rat you are not.
  • The Turtles’ Design – After watching it I’ve come to accept it, but I still think it’s fugly.
  • The new origin story – So I said there was one moronic decision with the origin story, but in a way it’s two parted. Firstly, there’s no Hamato Yoshi. But Caden, you ask, if there’s no Hamato Yoshi then how do the turtles learn to be ninjas? Well faithful readers, it’s like this. Splinter, an ordinary rat besides being a mutant finds a picture book titled “Guide to Ninjitsu.” Yes, Splinter learns to be a ninja from a picture book and teaches the turtles from there. A goddamn picture book. They don’t even attempt to explain how he knows Japanese, which he does at least a little.
  • References – normally I like references and normally TMNT stuff does it well, but this movie scene-lifts things directly from the first live action movie and puts a new coat of CGI paint on it. Could they not have spent ten seconds to come up with a different joke than pizza falling on Splinter’s head.
  • Michelangelo’s flirting – I was going to give this a pass when I saw it in the commercials because it was done in the first movie and even the 80’s cartoon (albeit to a VERY limited effect), but it’s just wrong. Not only is it done any time Mikey and “April” are in the same scene, not only is “April” still at least eight to ten years older than the turtles, but the new origin story has her owning them before they mutated which practically makes her their mom.
  • Character Growth – As with nearly every TMNT movie, Raphael is the only one to get any character development. I don’t really mind since he’s always been my favorite turtle, but an aspiring writer it’s irksome.
  • The Foot Clan – They aren’t ninjas, they’re just plain old terrorists. Why even call them the foot clan?!

There’s more, but I’m tired of thinking about this. Final verdict: Should you go see the newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? If you’re a long time turtle fan or a child you won’t hate it, but really just watch the cartoons instead.